Confessions of a Booty-Texter

Booty texts.

Sure, they’re shameless and scandalous, but we all can relate to sending, receiving and accepting them at some point. (Some of us more than others.)

Whether you consider it a blessing or a tragedy that it’s been adapted as an acceptable (and preferred) form of communication in the dating world, there’s a certain thrill in receiving one late at night after a few drinks. And if you’re rejected, it doesn’t sting quite so much as a face-to-face or even an over-the-phone encounter.

So although I’m very much of a proponent of booty texting in the right context, I’m very much anti-booty texting when it comes from certain parties­--ex-flames being one of them.

The past few weekends, I’ve been receiving texts from a former fling between the hours of 10 p.m. and 2 a.m. This Romeo drops such poetic lines as “Hey” and “Hey, how are you?”

Five years ago, the younger, naïve Miss Procras. would giddily scream to all her girlfriends how much this boy likes her and wants to hang out with her. But this is an older, wiser Miss Procras. who knows he wouldn’t be texting her at 2 a.m. on a Friday night if he really cared how she was doing.

So, I rolled my eyes, muttered “you’ve got to be effing kidding me,” and hit the delete button.

Under normal circumstances, I’d ignore the text and not think twice about it. I’ve sent my fair share of booty texts, I know we all gots needs. However, this particular former fling, who I’ll refer to as Shit-way, really grates my nerves. Let me explain why:

1) He knows I have a boyfriend. Last time I saw him, which was about four months ago, we talked for about 15 minutes. Well, let me rephrase that, he talked about himself for 15 minutes. In between him telling me about his girlfriend of over a year, I was able to slip in the fact that The Hoff and I were together.

Once I received his texts, I figured that his relationship must have ended. (A quick Facebook check confirmed this.)

2) When Shit-way and I were together, he was still hooking up with other girls. I know this because one of my friends used to hook up with him and told me that he was still trying to get her to come over when we were dating. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he had asked her to come over but was “just kidding.”

Just kidding? Seriously? I’m not an idiot. I know as well as the next girl that guys never joke around when their penis is involved.

But I decided not to say anything and just hook up with other people too. Clearly he didn’t consider us to be in a relationship, so I wasn’t going to either.

Two weeks later, after not hanging out with him for about ten days, Shit-way asked if we could meet for lunch. I knew where this was going, but I decided to humor him anyway. It was so hard to keep from laughing when he started the whole “I think we should just be friends” speech.

What I wanted to do was laugh in his face, throw my coke on him and say, “You’re a moron. We were obviously never in a relationship.” But I’m not one to make a scene. So I smiled, agreed, finished my lunch and wished him well.

3) The sex was NOT good. Let me just go ahead and say that I took this kid’s virginity and he had no clue what he was doing. Who knows-maybe he’s improved. But I think that’s highly unlikely.

4) It kills me that Shit-way has the balls to think I would actually want to hook up with him after all this. Um…how ‘bout a big HELL NO. I’m thinking of sending him this so I won’t have to put up with his nonsense anymore. Or maybe I should post this on the D.C. Craigslist to spare other women the hassle.

Nah, I’m not that mean. And I’m a firm believer in karma so it’ll all pan out. I’ll just keep my thumb stationed on the delete button of my cell phone until he gets the hint…