Thursday, January 22, 2009

Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned on the Keg Bus

I know you have been anxiously awaiting a synopsis of my keg bus experience. Unfortunately, my internet access is limited to The Hoff’s place and work. Since I don’t want The Hoff reading everything I write and I’ve been slammed at the office lately, this has left me with zero time to blog. Don’t you hate it when work gets in the way of the important things in life?

I’ll provide the details in a list format, because, in all honesty, I don’t know how I’ve gone through life the past 24 ½ years without these tidbits of wisdom.

1) There are no kegs allowed on the keg bus.
Seriously, that’s half of its name, yet not part of the package. False advertising at it’s finest. Luckily, our bus driver wasn’t a complete douche and allowed us to keep the one we already hauled on there…after telling us if we get pulled over we’d all be spending the night in jail and paying a $100 fine. Obviously, we decided it was worth the risk.

2) Mother Nature does not approve of the keg bus.
I’m guessing because it’s a polluting giant. Or maybe she just wanted us to stay on the bus and not go to bars. Whatever the reason, she made it very difficult to venture from bar to bar in the pouring down, bitterly cold rain.

3) Britney is played on repeat on the keg bus.
Heaven on earth. ‘Nuff said.

4) Don’t attempt to get on the keg bus sober.
Trust me on this one. Been there, done that. I was still recovering from my sinus infection and an eight-hour shift at the mall when I boarded this bus o’ fun. The only refreshments I had consumed thus far were two cans of Red Bull and a horribly skunked beer. I kid you not I was the most sober person on the bus. I think everyone who says “I don’t have to drink to have a good time,” is a God damn liar. Having thirty drunk people screaming at the top of their lungs, falling all over you while simultaneously dumping beer on your outfit when you’re stone cold sober does not make for a fun time. So, I did what any normal girl would do in my situation-I stood next to the smuggled keg and pounded as many beers as I could before reaching bar #1.

5) The keg bus is not a safe haven for couples.
Picture this. You’re on a bus with neon lights, a stripper pole, a VIP room and an obscene amount of alcohol…with your significant other. Not exactly the ideal setting for a romantic evening. Add to that mix the fact that with your significant other is wasted before boarding the bus. (Not that I blame him, 99% of the other keg bus riders were, too.) Only problem is, the drunk person thinks the sober person is mad at him, when in reality she just wants to catch up so she can be drunk and crazy, too. Drunk person proceeds to perform a striptease in the middle of the aisle. Thankfully pants stayed on; however, drunk person grabs another girl’s lady lumps in front of no longer sober, but not quite that drunk person.

…No bueno.

Let me just say I am not a jealous person. That, being said, my immediate reaction was not to be angry that The Hoff grabbed another girl’s boobs. I got upset because the girl he did it to is a very good friend of his and looked unbelievably pissed he did that. Not a good showing of respect towards me or her. (He’s redeemed himself, though, so don’t hate him too much.)

6) Best friends get lots of drunk dials/texts on the keg bus.
See #4 as to why. Luckily, Just Jack and Lo know how to cheer a girl up!

7) Gay guys know how to spot a keg bus girl when they see one.
After being dropped off at bar#2, I decided to stand underneath a bus stop so I could drunk dial Lo without getting drenched. As I’m rambling to her about The Hoff’s antics, two gay guys stop and tell me my outfit is cute. Totally made my night! You know when you get a gay man’s approval you have a good outfit on.

8) People like to talk in British accents on the keg bus.
Don’t ask me why. It’s not like it’s some sort of classy establishment where tea and crumpets are served.

9) There are no lighted bathrooms, or toilet paper, on the keg bus.
Ladies, let this be a lesson for you to treat the keg bus like you would frat house.

10) The keg bus giveth, and the keg bus taketh away.
The keg bus will drive you to your destinations of choice, but it will probably leave you there. The Hoff and I lost our group and were left outside bar #2, forcing us to take a taxi. Oh, and by the way…the taxi fare was the same amount as the keg bus fare. So, basically, we paid for two keg bus experiences.

If you can’t tell, the keg bus and I have a love/hate relationship. Much like a guy, he can be prince charming one minute and a real bastard the next. I’ll let you decide whether the keg bus is worthy of your money, time and energy.

**I’m off to conference in Denver for the next few days. I’m not sure I’ll have computer access, but if I do, I’ll be sure to post. Thanks, as always, for putting up with my uber-procrastinating ways!**

2 comments on "Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned on the Keg Bus"

Anonymous said...

Yea!!!! I cannot wait to see you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Jack on January 23, 2009 at 2:00 PM said...

#1 Just Jack is always here for you :)

#2 I'm glad you recognize the power of a compliment from a homosexual. Where would the Fall Line be without us?

LOVE YOU! Hope you have fun in Denver!



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