Thursday, January 29, 2009

TMI Thursday: Who Knew Peeing in a Cup Could be so Complicated?

In my next life, I hope to come back as a cat. Preferably a lion. Seriously, those bitches have it made. All they do is eat, sunbathe, sleep and seek affection on their terms. And they’re on the top of the food chain. How can you beat that!?

Since returning from Denver on Monday, I’ve been praying that my next life would begin already! Twelve hours of lying in the sun/sleeping would do me some good. I’m still recovering from the time difference and I didn’t get much sleep for some reason in the mile-high city. My hotel was awesome (I actually had a mini-bar in my room…I’ve never had one of those!), but I had to be up at 8 a.m. every morning and I was afraid I’d sleep through my alarm. So, I jolted myself up in a fit of panic once every two hours and looked at the clock, only to find I had a few more hours of slumber ahead of me. Even though I was awake in plenty of time to get ready and arrive at the conference center on time, I still managed to arrive at least five minutes late every day. If nothing else, at least I’m consistent! I would like to note, that I arrived before the exhibit actually opened each morning, I just wasn’t there 15 minutes early to set up.

One of the main reasons I volunteered to go on this trip was to see SayJo, my freshman year roommate from college. I maybe get to see her twice a year so I seize every opportunity I get to travel out west. Once my conference duties were over, I hightailed it out with her so I could experience the city. We saw Jerry Seinfeld’s opening act at a comedy club, went to one of the many fantabulous microbreweries Denver has to offer, and drank lots of martinis-including a gelato martini, probably the best invention EVER. Can’t remember the name of the place, but it’s in an area of the city called Larimer Square. I highly recommend going if you’re ever in Denver. I’ve decided I need to visit SayJo at least once every six months so I can get my fix.

So, I’m not sure if I’m going to do this every Thursday because I’m not sure how much I want to embarrass myself on the world wide web, but today will mark my first TMI Thursday. I got the idea from Lbluca77 over at Def a blog worth checking out-she is hilarious!

Okay, so here goes. Last Wednesday night, I realized I had a bladder infection. (I know the minute I get one, as I’m sure most of us do…the symptoms are pretty cut and dry.) Those of you who have experienced one of these delights before know how painful they can be. And, luckily for me, I started having symptoms around 11 p.m. Unless I wanted to sign over my first born and donate a kidney as payment for a visit to the ER, I would have to wait 8 hours until my doctor’s office opened. This meant that I needed some Uristat-and fast!

The Hoff got a nice preview of what a woman in labor is like when she’s being driven to the hospital. I had him race me around town to find an open drug store so I wouldn’t be in immense pain the entire night. (I told you he’s redeemed himself…)

I finally got to the doctor at 11 a.m. and was told to give them a urine sample. All I’m thinking to myself the whole time is, I’ve heard this song and dance at least thirty times, I know exactly what I need to do, just give me some meds already!

But I patiently listened, and went to the bathroom to pee in a cup. Now, as I’ve said, I’ve given at least thirty urine samples. I’m one of those lucky individuals who’s susceptible to frequent UTIs. So I should be an expert at aiming my pee into a tiny, plastic receptacle, right? WRONG.

I had held my pee all morning, so I had to go. Bad. And in my haste to empty my bladder into a 3 oz. cup, my pee hit the edge and flung all over the seat, the floor and onto my brand new, wool, ivory pants. And this wasn’t clear, or even yellow urine. This was bright orange, “Hawaiian punch” urine (as my doctor so affectionally referred to it) -courtesy of the Uristat I had taken 12 hours prior to my appointment.

And the best part? The pants are dry clean only. Meaning I’ll have to point out the spots to the person behind the counter who will probably be wondering what in God’s name I could have gotten on my pants.

Maybe I should start taking off my pants before giving urine samples…especially if they’re white.

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