Random Humpday Fun

It's humpday and my eyes are glazing over from nothing to do at work.

Luckily, my dearest friend, Queen, sent me an e-mail full of random thoughts to keep me entertained. It was basically a list of things you've thought to yourself a hundred times but never dare admit to anyone else.

Below, is a smattering of my faves (with my own commentary, of course.) Enjoy!

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
Especially to avoid areas like SE D.C. Thank god the Nats stadium finally moved.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
This happened to me last night when I got into a debate with The Hoff and his roommate about when Big Ben was drafted and won his first Superbowl. They just got iPhones and put me in my place with confirmed facts from Wikipedia. I HATE being wrong!

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
Amen.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
Story of my life. Anyone know how to do this discretely?

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
Why the f didn't I take advantage of nap time in Kindergarten?!

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
Kids today, I swear.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.
::sarcasm:: or note the sarcasm just don't cut it

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.
That would be "Dirty Dancing" for me. Totally didn't realize she got an sma-smortion.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
And keep them wrinkle-free? It sucks waking up with a gazillion sleep lines in the morning.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
Who cares if you get indents in your arms that hurt like crazy and you have to waddle to keep from tipping over because one side is always heavier than the other?

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
Or put on make-up, pluck my eyebrows, find the pen I just dropped so I can write down an address. Yeah, I'm that annoying/unsafe person who multi-tasks while driving.

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
Don't they know most people can't have sound on at work?

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
I'm convinced teachers have some conspiracy going on to fuck with students when they're already experiencing peak stress levels.

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
Can this please happen in D.C. more often? Let's start a club!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...'Goonies'"
I work in a call center. This happens to me at least 15 times a day. And I'm totally going to start using movie titles or celebrities instead of fruits or common names. What's the fun in that?

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
Seriously, I don't think anyone goes there who is experiencing a planned pregnancy.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
Precisely why I always avoid sitting next to the remote.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
No commentary necessary. This is just hilarious.

Even Toolbags Need Love

A ‘friend’ of mine got engaged over the weekend.

I say ‘friend’ because I wouldn’t consider Toolboy an actual friend. Here’s why:

-In college, Toolboy was having a get-together at his apartment and ran out of beer. So, my roommates and I graciously volunteered our stash of Natty Lites to keep the party going. Toolboy accompanied me back to my apartment to gather said beer. Only he didn’t just grab the Natty Lites, he also took the ONE Corona we had in the fridge. When I saw the Corona bottle shoved in his front pocket, I said, “Oh, that Corona is actually my roommate’s, don’t take that over – she’ll be pissed.” Toolboy claimed that he had brought it over from his place. I believed him – I mean, who would lie about ONE Corona? But the next day, my roommate couldn’t find her Corona and I immediately realized that Toolboy was a stealing, lying creep. When Lo found out, she goes, “honestly, who steals AH corona?!” To this day, it’s an ongoing joke between us and our roommate/bff Queen.

-Now that I think about it, Toolboy is a bit of a klepto. He also stole Lo’s bottle of 99 Berries and frozen Totino’s pizza from a pregame we had at our apartment not long after the Corona incident. Jerk. Doesn’t he know that alcohol/drunk food funds are scarce enough during college?!

-He finds the need to throw in his political beliefs into any conversation, facebook status/posting he can. Extremely annoying.

-He showed up to my 23rd birthday dinner without RSVPing, invited his girlfriend at the time, and then had the nerve to bash the people who came without letting me know beforehand. (Kinda reminds me of “Clueless” when she’s like, “But people came that, like, did not RSVP, so I was like, totally buggin’.” God, that movie is a classic.)

-He and his serious girlfriend broke up the end of last summer. He called/imed/texted me for days, about how upset he was and how he needed a good friend to talk to. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t aware I was in his ‘good friend’ category…I’d be interested to see how he treats people he considers enemies if he treats ‘good friends’ the way he’s treated me. But I listened, provided advice and tried to be there for him. I even went as his date to a co-worker’s wedding. After the wedding, we went to a bar where he proceeded to ditch me for the girl he is now engaged to. I knew like two other people at the bar besides him – one of whom was busy entertaining the 15 people he invited out and the other kept asking me to buy him shots. I opted to sit at the bar and watch SportsCenter highlights until a friend could pick me up. Five minutes after leaving, I got a text from Toolboy asking me if I left. That didn’t even warrant a response. And…delete.

-His ex-girlfriend (the one he called me crying over) is good friends with Queen, and Queen is married to one of Toolboy’s best friends. Anyway, ex-girlfriend was at Queen and her hub’s homecoming tailgate and Toolboy showed up with his new girlfriend/now fiancé and freaked out that he had to be around his ex. He then proceeded to yell at Queen and make her cry for allowing his ex to be there. Um…#1, why would he care if his new gf was there?! #2 –grow up and don’t make your best friend’s wife cry!

It’s funny…when I started this post, I forgot about half the shit Toolboy has pulled through the years. But, a la Celine Dion, “It’s all coming back, it’s all coming back to me now…”

My initial reaction when I heard the news: I laughed my ass off at the audacity of the situation. I mean, this dude sobbed to me for weeks about how broken-hearted he was over his ex girlfriend, then started dating this new girl and proposed to her within a span of nine months. I know things like this happen, but in his case, it seems highly unlikely. He’s a bit too self-absorbed.

So then, I started to feel sorry for his fiancé…I’m not sure if she knows what she’s getting herself into. But now, I’m relieved. One less douchebag for us to filter out of the masses, ladies!

Congrats on your engagement, Toolboy! And thanks for sparring the rest of us from your toolish antics.