Monday, July 13, 2009

When "Did You Nail Him/Her?" Takes On a Whole New Meaning

Over the weekend, Badass Roomie and I visited Lo so we could celebrate her 25th birthday. On Saturday morning, we (and by ‘we’ I mean Lo and I both shrieked with excitement when we saw that “Clueless” was on TBS. What a perfect way to start the day!

(And my apologies, I think this is the third time I’ve referenced “Clueless” in my blog, but it’s my favorite movie in the whole wide world so you will more than likely see it referenced another 50,000 times.)

Anywho, we’re watching the part when Tai, Cher and Dee skip school to have a “calorie fest” at the mall and cheer up Tai, who’s just been dissed by Elton. They see a hunky waiter walk by, who is way too good looking to be a waiter, but that’s beside the point.

Dee: Survey says?

Tai: Do-able

Dee: Puny, I like ‘em big

Cher: Eww, I hate muscles.

Tai: You know, I don’t really care either way. ::holds up bent, limp looking breadstick:: Uh, as long as his you-know-what isn’t crooked. I really hate that.

Cher: What?

Dee: Shhh! Don’t scare her. Cher is saving herself for Luke Perry.

Tai: Cher, you’re a virgin?!

At which point, being the dear friends they are, Badass Roomie and Lo bring up my nail story. We all have a good laugh, and then I realize I’ve neglected to share this little gem with the blogging community. And this is just too good not to share.

I was quite the little church girl back in my day. Went every Sunday, attended youth group, spent a week every summer at church camp, sang in the choir, etc. So angelic and innocent…hard to believe, I know.

While I was in high school, my church organized this group called ‘Just Wait’ which promoted-you guessed it-abstinence until marriage. It was comprised of roughly 20 high school students who went around to churches and schools in the area and did various skits urging kids to wait until they were married to do the deed.

I did not partake in this group. Not only do I have incredible stage fright, but the thought of telling hundreds of kids to keep it in their pants did not appeal to me. At all.

But when this group did their little song and dance at a church, they would ask anyone who wanted to make a pledge of celibacy until marriage to come forward at the end of the program and grab a nail off a cross.

Being the sweet little church girl I was at 15 (read: my mom was sitting two rows behind me and I was scared not to take one), I collected a nail at the end of the program, vowing to keep my flower until my wedding night.

And to remind myself of this promise, I decided to carry the nail around in my leopard print wallet.

Needless to say, it served as the butt of a lot jokes from my guy friends.

My favorite: “So, Miss Procras., when you finally have sex, are you gonna carry around a screw?”

High school boys=comic geniuses.

Sadly, the zipper on my wallet broke and the nail was lost. Not long after that, so was my V-card.

Coincidence? I think not.

God was trying to tell me he was cool with it, I just know it.

I think my solemn virginity vow lasted a total of eight months, but I can’t exactly remember. I’ll save the story of how my V-card was lost for another day. I think I’ve divulged enough for one post.

Oh, and don’t worry; there are no nails, screws, nuts, bolts or other hardware (wow…why are all those things laden with such sexual innuendo?) being carried around in my wallet any longer.

1 comments on "When "Did You Nail Him/Her?" Takes On a Whole New Meaning"

Just Jack on July 14, 2009 at 2:50 PM said...

You're a dirty slut and I love it :)


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