Monday, June 9, 2014

Pain vs. Indifference


One of my favorite songs has to be “Stubborn Love” by the Lumineers. It’s one of those songs that gives me goosebumps no matter how many times I hear it.  I’m actually listening to it on repeat while I write this since it’s the inspiration for this post.

There’s a lyric in it that goes: “It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all…the opposite of love’s indifference…” When I hear that, it cuts me right to the deepest part of my being. A hopeless romantic, my heart swells like a giddy school girl whenever I watch a cheesy rom com, and makes me believe that true, soul encompassing love might just exist, even if it’s just for those 90 minutes before my cynical mind takes over and reminds me of my past, and present, reality.

And as much as I sometimes wish my mind would completely overpower my heart and render me indifferent, there’s still a part of me that believes that this love that writers have written about for centuries and musicians have composed so brilliantly into their own personal mantras might actually exist. Hell, I even permanently inked the word love on my wrist because at the end of the day, I still think it’s one of the most important things on this planet.  

I know my experience is not unique. I’m not naïve enough to believe that I’m the only one who has experienced heartache and despair, but I often wonder if I’m being a sadist for continuing to put myself out there. Lately, I’ve been questioning if there’s a way to make myself emotionally vulnerable while still treading cautiously. Like some hypothetical shot of emotional Novocain I could inject when even a small portion of me starts to develop feelings for someone.

I’ve thought about this a lot since my last relationship ended a few months back. If there is even a miniscule silver lining to that experience, it’s that I’ve learned the importance of pumping the breaks. I’m such a relational person, that it’s difficult for me not to make decisions based on my emotions. But I’ve learned how sacred and fragile my heart is, and I’m not willing to wear it on my sleeve so freely anymore.

So as great as it is that I’ve recognized all of this, now I’ve got to figure out how the hell to actually be more emotionally cautious. It would be really amazing if a doctor could invent some actual emotional Novocain, but that’s probably not happening anytime soon. So until then I guess I’ll just have to figure it out through trial and error. Will there still be pain and heartache? Absolutely – I’m counting on it. But as the song says I guess I’ll just have to keep my head up and keep reminding myself that pain, no matter how deep, always outweighs indifference.  

1 comments on "Pain vs. Indifference "

fenderphan86 on June 11, 2014 at 10:37 PM said...

It's kind of funny how 'love', that notoriously powerful four-letter word can cause such euphoria, and so much destruction, more often than not at the same time. But its through that often grueling process of trial and error that you develop a refined relationship with love itself; one where the "ins and outs" have been systematically molded by your experiences (good and bad) to cater to your own personal response. Now this mas come across as a convoluted jumble of clever $10 in what may appear to be a grammatically incorrect form of expression (run on sentence), but the fact of the matter is like the English language, we command love in our own ways. It is when we let love overcome us, instead of working harmoniously that we truly lose our touch. Being one that has worn his heart on his sleeve, shoulder and everywhere in between, I too have used music to interpret love, embrace love and heal from love. 'Northern Wind', 'We Found Each Other in the Dark' and 'The Hurry and the Harm' by City and Colour, sum it up for me. In closing I will say that that I completely agree about keeping your head up (Andy Grammar once said) and that trusting and strengthening your views on Love will only strengthen you and know that you never have to be alone if you don't want to be; for love comes in many forms that find a mysterious way to keep us company. And on that note, my asinine yet meaningful rant comes to an end. Thanks for reading.

 

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