Thursday, September 16, 2010

Well, hello again, singledom.

It's been a while. I can't say that I've missed you - not even the teeniest little bit. You bring a lot of baggage - insecurity, mixed signals, creepy pick-up lines, bad sex - to name a few. And I kind of hate dealing with you.

But what choice do I have?

-Become a hermit and stay locked away in my room?

-Devote myself to a lifetime of celibacy and check into the nearest convent?

Since neither of those seem like viable options, looks like I'm stuck with you and your sick sense of humor.

Let's discuss what you've done to me in the two short months you've come back into my life:

I. Staged a run-in with an ex-fling. Since this random encounter, I have been the lucky recipient of late-night booty texts...some as late as 4:30 a.m. and all with my name misspelled. I have one of the most common names in America, and this genius can't even get that right - EPIC FAIL.

II. Allowed me to experience what it's like to date someone almost 20 years older than me. It was nice for a couple weeks - the chivalry, wining and dining, insistance on pleasing me in bed (side note: is it just me or could most twenty-something year-old males not give two shits about whether or not they get a girl off?).

Anywho, a few weeks in it became painfully obvious why that big of an age gap doesn't usually work. I still want to date around and party, and he couldn't deal with me going out regularly and hanging out with other guys. It was borderline a little crazy, so I don't even want to know how he'd act if we were exclusive.

But the real kicker is, when we finally decided to end our "fling" (via facebook instant messenger, none the less...yeah, real classy), he asked if we could have sex one last time.

a) I've never been asked that before b) it made me feel like a whore and c) HELL NO!

III. Gotten me smitten with a guy who told me he wasn't looking for anything serious the third time we hung out. I've heard that song and dance enough times to know that's code for "I like you, just not enough to date you." But instead of writing him off, I did the typical I'm-a-girl-and-I'm-going-to-over-analyze-everything-he-says-and-does-to-convince-myself-he-likes-me routine. And guess what? It's been almost two weeks, and I haven't heard from him. I've stopped overanalyzing and accepted that he's just not that into me, but it still effing sucks.

Oh, singledom, I can't tell you how excited I am to be 26 and back at the starting line, having to wade through all the crazies, assholes and bullshit you throw my way to find a decent guy. But, you definitely keep things interesting - so, bitch:


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