Subject: (no subject)

I hate having to attach a subject to my e-mails. Usually, I can’t sum up an e-mail in a single word or phrase, so I end up writing a hideously long run-on sentence. Or, I try to be witty so people will be excited to read my e-mail, and it ends up sounding like a lame joke a 5-year-old would crack. Of course, there’s always the obligatory “hey” subject line, but isn’t that pretty pointless when you’re going to address the person with “hey” in the opening of your e-mail??

I digress.

Point of all that ranting is, I sent an e-mail to The Hoff yesterday. Before I get into that, here’s an update on what’s going on with us:

I haven’t seen or talked to him since last Wednesday. I called him on Easter to see how his weekend was going and left a message but haven’t heard from him.

I’ve been in limbo all week, not knowing if The Hoff and I are over or if we’ll be able to work through this. As torturous as it is waiting for some sort of resolution, in some ways, it’s better than finding out we’re done for good. Though I guess it’s not healthy clinging to a false sense of hope day after day, either…

There are days where all I do is read our past e-mails and look through his Facebook pictures while I’m at work, and then come home, lie in bed and replay our conversation from last week over and over again. I haven’t moved the water cup he left beside my bed from the last time he stayed the night and his towel is still hanging up in my bathroom. I can’t bring myself to move them – it’s the only trace of him I have left in my apartment.

Then there are days where I keep myself occupied by reading the books my counselor recommended, grabbing dinner with friends or watching t.v. (Though movies like “Gone with the Wind,” “Say Anything” and “Sleepless in Seattle” aren’t exactly the best way to get your mind off a broken relationship.)

Most mornings, I wake up an hour before my alarm goes off so anxious I can’t get back to sleep. It’s like the feeling I used to get as a kid on Christmas morning or the first day of school, except I’m not excited for what lies ahead – I’m scared out of my mind. It takes every ounce of my energy to push off the covers and face another day, knowing what I’ve done and what I may have lost.

Anyway, back to the e-mail.

I sent one to The Hoff yesterday morning to let him know how I feel and try to explain why I did what I did. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to convey that to him. It’s not really something you can ever justify to someone else – they're your feelings based on your past experiences. (It’s just taken me a long time to realize I need to confront mine instead of run away from them.)

So, I decided to keep the subject line blank. There’s just no way to categorize an e-mail like that.

“I’m sorry”=trite.

“Hey”=too casual.

“PLEASE READ”=desperate. I’d probably delete it if it were me.

(Shining example of how subject lines can be obsolete and unnecessary.)

...I have yet to receive a response. Not that I blame him.

So, my goal for the weekend is to keep myself as busy as possible. Although my bedroom seems like a place of solitude, it’s actually the complete opposite. I can’t keep torturing myself by lying in bed and flooding my mind with things I have no control over.

I’ve put myself out there. It’s up to The Hoff to decide if he wants things to work.

PS-Sorry for such a heavy, downer post. I promise my posts won't be like this forever. The lighthearted posts will return. But I promise, no lame subject titles. (At least I'll try.)