Giving Myself a Much-needed Makeover

Remember in Clueless when Cher reached her moment of epiphany and decided she “needed a major makeover, but this time, [she] would makeover her soul?” I experienced a similar realization this week. (And don’t we all aim to be like Cher?)

A lot has happened in my life since Saturday, but I’m holding to the belief that it’s for the better.

I don’t think there’s anyway to sugarcoat or justify this, so I’ll just come out with it – I cheated on The Hoff.

It was a one-time thing that happened back in February when I was visiting my friend Law Student. I immediately regretted it and wanted to come clean, but after consulting friends and various articles, I decided to bear the guilt as punishment for my actions instead of hurting The Hoff just to clear my conscience.

Bad idea. The Hoff found out after going through my Gmail and finding a conversation I had with Just Jack. I hate that he found out through a lame Gchat convo, even though I also felt betrayed that he invaded my privacy.

Understandably, him finding out resulted in a major blow-out Saturday night, where we decided to talk after we both had a chance to cool off.

The past few days have been miserable. I feel like I’ve been swallowed by a dark hole.

I’m having a hard time recognizing who I am anymore. If I dislike myself this much, I don’t even want to know about what The Hoff thinks of me.

I know this much – I’m not someone to hurt people I care about. So what am I doing with my life? Why did I hurt someone I love so badly?

That’s the question I keep asking myself over and over again. Why?

I think there are a multitude of reasons, but ultimately, it all comes back to me.

On Sunday night, I pulled out my journal – where I turn when things get really, really rough.

I started going through past entries, and noticed recurrent phrases in a lot of the passages:

“Incapable of being loved,” “inadequate,” “undeserving of happiness”

If I don’t even love myself, how can I let someone else?

Thinking back to my past experiences with guys, I’ve constantly let myself be used and mistreated. Then, when a great guy finally comes along, I don’t know to handle it. It’s like I believe every relationship I’m in is doomed to failure, and if the guy isn’t doing the damage, I’ll make sure it gets done one way or the other.

Combine that with the anxiety problems I’m having from work (being laid off from your dream job, stuck at a miserable one and having recurrent dreams that your dream job wants to hire you back really does numbers on your psyche), my self-worth is basically non-existent right now.

Coincidentally, I had my annual pap scheduled for yesterday (sorry for the TMI). When my gyno started inquiring about what meds I’m currently taking, I mentioned my anxiety meds and then completely lost it. In the exam room. While wearing that paper vest and skirt.

Poor doc. She probably thought those anxiety meds need to be upped by about 500 mg.

Instead, she asked if I thought I needed to talk to someone and gave me some referrals to counselors.

I always thought I’d be one to conquer my own problems, but I figure a little help now and then isn’t a bad thing. I have my first session Monday morning. I want to start making positive changes in my life, and there are a lot of demons I need to confront.

Yesterday, The Hoff asked if we could meet and talk about things. I don’t know if I would want to meet with me after what happened, but I’m so thankful he did. We ending up talking for three hours, and it was probably one of the best talks we’ve ever had. Funny how it takes something so painful for you to address other problems in your relationship…

But I told The Hoff about my self-realizations over the week and my desire to better myself. We’re going to try to work through things, but he agreed that I should focus on me for awhile so we don’t find ourselves in the same rut.

I’m optimistic about what the future holds. I want to cleanse myself of all the negative influences in my life – starting with my own inhibitions.

I guess this could be considered my quarter-life crisis...should make for an interesting ride. (Don't worry though, my sense of humor is still intact.)