Keeping Abreast of the Situation

Suck.

Swallow.

Nipple.

I say these words at least 50 times a day at work.

No, I’m not a phone sex operator, stripper or prostitute.

So, what kind of respectable business allows me to say such things over and over again, you may ask?

A breastfeeding helpline.

That’s right, folks – your dear friend Miss Procras. is a breastfeeding peer counselor.

Now, I’m sure a dozen questions have entered your mind upon learning this little tidbit of information about me. Such as:

Have I ever breastfed?
No.

Do I have any children?
No.

Do I even want to have children?
Jury is still out on that one…

So, what makes me qualiifed to dispense breastfeeding advice?
Intensive, intensive training. (I say that with a great deal of saracasm.) And an everything-you-need-to-know-about-breastfeeding manual I keep within arms reach at all times.

How do I keep a straight face during these calls?
It’s very difficult sometimes, trust me.

You’d giggle like a twelve-year-old, too if you had to talk about nipples, engorgement, latch and positioning all day. It’s kinda like in sixth grade when the teacher said “turn to page 69” and the whole class erupted into laughter…but way more graphic.

There’s never a dull moment. You encounter all sorts in this line of work:

-The parnoid moms who call five times a day because they think their milk has all of a sudden vanished. The stork stole it as payment for your child! It’s never coming back!

-The scared-as-shit dads who don’t know what to do. Stay far, far way. She’s pissed enough that you knocked her up in the first place. Go get wasted with your friends – she’ll thank you for giving her some peace and quiet.

-The medling grandmothers who don’t agree with how mom’s raising the child. (The child is two days old.) Do you hear that? B-11 was just called! You won! Hurry! Go claim your $25 gift certificate to Cracker Barrel before Bertha steals it from you again.

Then there are the people who shock you with their stupidity. You wonder why the government hasn’t initiated some sort of mandatory test for people to take before they’re able to reproduce. Really, it’s a burden on humanity for them to be transfering their stupidity to another generation.

Example of a question these people ask on a regular basis:

I just smoked weed. Is it okay for me to breastfeed my baby? Sure, go right ahead! Your kid’s probably gonna be a fuck-up anyway – may as well start him down the path to failure while he’s young. Besides, it’ll make him sleep better.

Actual call that I took today:

Background: Mom is breastfeeding her one-year-old but wants to wean him because he has started biting her. She wants to wean abruptly and has been trying to refuse to let him feed, but her baby screams and throws a fit at night and so she relents and lets him. She wants to know what she can do to get him to stop.

Me: The best thing for you to do is gradually wean your baby. It’s best for you and him. Your body will be able to adapt better and your baby won’t be so upset from the sudden strike on nursing…

Background voice: Hi, how can I help you?

Mom: Yes, I’d like a burrito with everything and a kiwi strawberry smoothie.

Background voice: Would you like to add a pina colada with that?

Mom: No thanks.

Background voice: Okay, $7.50 is your total, please drive around.

Homegirl was definitely ordering from the drive-thru in the middle of our conversation and neglected to even ask me to hold on a second! I about died laughing when I realized what was going on.

Like I said, never a dull moment.

All kidding aside, I really do give all the moms I talk to credit. Breastfeeding is challenging and takes practice. And there aren’t always a lot of support and resources out there, which makes it even harder. So kudos to all the mom’s out there!