Even Toolbags Need Love

A ‘friend’ of mine got engaged over the weekend.

I say ‘friend’ because I wouldn’t consider Toolboy an actual friend. Here’s why:

-In college, Toolboy was having a get-together at his apartment and ran out of beer. So, my roommates and I graciously volunteered our stash of Natty Lites to keep the party going. Toolboy accompanied me back to my apartment to gather said beer. Only he didn’t just grab the Natty Lites, he also took the ONE Corona we had in the fridge. When I saw the Corona bottle shoved in his front pocket, I said, “Oh, that Corona is actually my roommate’s, don’t take that over – she’ll be pissed.” Toolboy claimed that he had brought it over from his place. I believed him – I mean, who would lie about ONE Corona? But the next day, my roommate couldn’t find her Corona and I immediately realized that Toolboy was a stealing, lying creep. When Lo found out, she goes, “honestly, who steals AH corona?!” To this day, it’s an ongoing joke between us and our roommate/bff Queen.

-Now that I think about it, Toolboy is a bit of a klepto. He also stole Lo’s bottle of 99 Berries and frozen Totino’s pizza from a pregame we had at our apartment not long after the Corona incident. Jerk. Doesn’t he know that alcohol/drunk food funds are scarce enough during college?!

-He finds the need to throw in his political beliefs into any conversation, facebook status/posting he can. Extremely annoying.

-He showed up to my 23rd birthday dinner without RSVPing, invited his girlfriend at the time, and then had the nerve to bash the people who came without letting me know beforehand. (Kinda reminds me of “Clueless” when she’s like, “But people came that, like, did not RSVP, so I was like, totally buggin’.” God, that movie is a classic.)

-He and his serious girlfriend broke up the end of last summer. He called/imed/texted me for days, about how upset he was and how he needed a good friend to talk to. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t aware I was in his ‘good friend’ category…I’d be interested to see how he treats people he considers enemies if he treats ‘good friends’ the way he’s treated me. But I listened, provided advice and tried to be there for him. I even went as his date to a co-worker’s wedding. After the wedding, we went to a bar where he proceeded to ditch me for the girl he is now engaged to. I knew like two other people at the bar besides him – one of whom was busy entertaining the 15 people he invited out and the other kept asking me to buy him shots. I opted to sit at the bar and watch SportsCenter highlights until a friend could pick me up. Five minutes after leaving, I got a text from Toolboy asking me if I left. That didn’t even warrant a response. And…delete.

-His ex-girlfriend (the one he called me crying over) is good friends with Queen, and Queen is married to one of Toolboy’s best friends. Anyway, ex-girlfriend was at Queen and her hub’s homecoming tailgate and Toolboy showed up with his new girlfriend/now fiancé and freaked out that he had to be around his ex. He then proceeded to yell at Queen and make her cry for allowing his ex to be there. Um…#1, why would he care if his new gf was there?! #2 –grow up and don’t make your best friend’s wife cry!

It’s funny…when I started this post, I forgot about half the shit Toolboy has pulled through the years. But, a la Celine Dion, “It’s all coming back, it’s all coming back to me now…”

My initial reaction when I heard the news: I laughed my ass off at the audacity of the situation. I mean, this dude sobbed to me for weeks about how broken-hearted he was over his ex girlfriend, then started dating this new girl and proposed to her within a span of nine months. I know things like this happen, but in his case, it seems highly unlikely. He’s a bit too self-absorbed.

So then, I started to feel sorry for his fiancé…I’m not sure if she knows what she’s getting herself into. But now, I’m relieved. One less douchebag for us to filter out of the masses, ladies!

Congrats on your engagement, Toolboy! And thanks for sparring the rest of us from your toolish antics.