Navigating through the bullshit

Like most girls, I grew up entranced by Disney movies with princesses living happily ever after with their respective prince. My two favorites were "Cinderella" and "Sleeping Beauty," and I apparently watched those on repeat until my parents "lost" the VHS so they wouldn't be subjected to "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo" for the millionth time. (Just kidding about the hiding the movie part...though the rents probably considered it on multiple occasions.)

By the time middle school and high school rolled around, I had upgraded from animated love stories to craptastic romantic comedies such as, "She's All That," "10 Things I Hate About You," and "Save the Last Dance." (Sadly, I own all these movies...and watch them everytime they come on TV. Super lame, I know.)

Now, the recent trend seems to be raunchy comedies starring Seth Rogen/Jason Segel/Paul Rudd. Don't get me wrong, I adore all these movies. They're hysterical.

HOWEVER, they are perpetuating the cycle of fairy tales for single women who have grown up being spoon-fed lie after lie.

Let me 'splain.

In the preschool/elementary school years, we're taught that a prince on a white horse will sweep us off our feet and we'll ride off into the sunset in domestic bliss.

By the time we're old enough to realize that there are approximately 8 princes in the entire world (and most of them are imbred), we're thrown a new heaping of bullshit.

Princes aren't realistic or attainable for the everyday girl, so he gets replaced by the hottest, most popular guy/biggest badass in school - enter Freddie Prinze Jr., Heath Ledger, Chris Klein, etc. They will ultimately be an deuche and make fun of you or they may not even know you exist. But by the end of the movie they've fallen head over heels for you and go to great lengths to show it - typically by chasing you down when you've decided they aren't worth your time and they have to prove to you they are.

Then high school comes and goes, along with the facade that men actually perform romantic gestures, and we enter college/the real world/a combination of the two.

No matter which one you enter first, the guys are all the same. It's become impossible for them to think with the head located above their belt, and they make it their goal in life to hook up with as many girls as possible because they're young and at the peak of their sex drive.

So, as women, we start getting used...A LOT. Because it takes a few times before we understand what a booty text is, or that a guy might not be taking us out to dinner because he actually wants to date us, or that he may come over a few times and "cuddle," but the moment we sleep with him, he pulls the disappearing man act.

Then someone hands us a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You," or we develop tough enough skin to the point where we become immune to any sort of romantic emotions at all. Because sometimes, it's easier to be numb.

And just when we thought we've got it all figured out, Hollywood execs find another way to fuck with our minds and pull at our heartstrings.

Because it's totally likely that a guy will stop being a pot head, get a real job, buy an apartment and want to marry you after a one-night stand resulted in you getting knocked up.

It's also nothing out of the ordinary for a self-proclaimed man-whore who insists love doesn't exist to fall for an up-tight, controlling woman and throw all his old theories out the window.

So, go ahead, ladies! Whore it up! Store guy(s) in your phone as "booty call." Have as much no- strings-attached sex as you want and fall for the assholes, because, ultimately they will profess their undying love and adoration for you. It's the new guaranteed way to land yourself a man!

Written out in black and white, it seems so obvious.

But the problem is - my problem is, stuff like this:

and this: and this:

...still make me swoon. Every time.

So, as women, how do we navigate between keeping our guard up, but not becoming a total Ice Queen, and wanting the fairy tale, but not getting our heart broken over and over again?

When I figure it out, I'll let you know.

At the end of the day, I know I want my own real life love story - one that would beat the hell out of any of these movies, but I'll pass on the fairy tale. How much fun would that be anyway?

Ringing in the New Year with a...Peck??!!

Happy 2011!

Since I have such lofty aspirations for myself, I made it my goal for the last day of 2010 to find a delectable make-out partner to ring in the new year.

Problem is, I'm not so great when it comes to approaching men. I usually timidly hover by the bar, downing tequila shots in attempt to work up some liquid courage while sending brain waves to the hottie of the night to come talk to me. If I do grow a pair and actually talk to the guy first, my pick-up line usually consists of, "Hi, I'm Miss Procras. Wanna dance?"

Luckily, SK, one of my nearest and dearest, spent the weekend with me. Girlfriend is a rockstar when it comes to approaching men and helped me land the guy I had been eyeing the entire night.

Unfortunately for me, dream boy wasn't one for PDA, so my midnight make-out sesh was downgraded to a few pecks. I've had steamier kissing escapades in middle school. Specifically, while sitting in the back row of the movie theater "watching" 'Titanic' for the twelfth time. Ahh memories...

But seriously, who the eff cares about PDA on New Years Eve??

I just hope this isn't symbolic of what my love life will consist of in 2011...

Why Ditching your Date is a Totally Viable Option

If he shows up as your date, it's perfectly acceptable to run in the other direction. (Unless of course, your idea of a fun date is hiding in a closet.)

A couple weeks ago, one of my favorite bloggers (and authors...her first book comes out in January) posted on a must-read topic for all my single ladies (and gents) out there: Ditching the Date (on the date).

I never in a million years thought I'd actually ditch my date during the actual outing. I mean, it just seemed rude and disrespectful and I figured I was tough enough stomach any narcissism, Star Wars obsession or inappropirate behavior Rico Suave threw my way until the date was over.

Now, I'm a firm believer that it's totally cool to cut and run...or befriend someone else at the dating location if your date isn't treating you with the respect you deserve.

I was on date #2 with this guy, I'll refer to him as JD (for Josh Duhammel, because they both can't seem to figure out when it's inappropriate to use a cell phone). The first date was slightly below average but I tend to give people second chances even when they don't deserve them.

Anyway, JD asked me if I wanted to go see a movie and I accepted.

First, he asked me to look up movie times - Strike One. You're the guy, you invited me, you do your own damn research! (I wish I had said that, but I didn't. I need to stop being so damn nice.

We decided to grab a beer beforehand. So, at the bar, as I brought out a post-it note with movie times, JD pulled out his phone. I eventually asked him if he got his work e-mail sent to his phone because he was typing that long. Turns out, he was texting and said something about family drama. I figured he'd eventually put the phone away or apologize and say he needed to take care of the situation.

JD did neither. Instead, he kept texting novels to his brother and the time kept slipping by until it was completely obvious we wouldn't be seeing a movie.

I left the bar a few times to call friends for advice. I had no clue how to handle this situation - it was just unbelievably ridiculous. When I came back to the bar, the guy sitting next to me talked up trivia so much that I decided to stay.

It was about that time that I looked directly behind me and saw an ex-fling sitting at a table with three of his friends. (Sometimes I really think my life is a sitcom.)

I waved and said hello, then went back to getting my ass kicked in trivia and being ignored by JD.

At one point, he was outside the bar for a good thirty minutes talking on his phone. So when ex-fling invited me to sit with him, I decided it was about time I ditch the douche.

The most hilarious part of this whole situation? When JD returned from his phone call, he proceeded to get wasted off of Patron shots and then ask me why I wasn't inviting him back to my place when I told him I was leaving.

Wow - Douchey AND delusional.

How does one get to be so socially inept? And how did I get lucky enough to go on a date with him?

I'm thankful...

...that I've never been handed one of these.

I'm curious if any member of the male race (or female, for that matter), has ever ordered this hilarious alternative to business cards. I'm even more curious to know the success rate of these bad boys.

I, for one, would totally be calling, texting and e-mailing Mr. Chad Fulton, stand-up guy. Who knows? I might even get a little crazy and facebook him, even though his card doesn't say to. I like to walk on the wild side, and something tells me Chad does, too.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I just like smiling...smiling's my favorite

I have ventured into the world of online dating.

It's not so bad. No horror stories...yet.

But I have found that a majority of these guys are a tad on the dorky side.

Now, I'm not snobby enough to think I don't have my own dorkish tendencies - I correct spelling and grammatical errors on practically everything I read and I get excited when I see things in Latin (I took it for 5 years in middle/high school and then for 2 semesters in college).

However, these dudes tend to be mildly socially awkward and just a bit too dull for my liking. I need a little wit, sarcasm and friendly banter mixed in.

On Saturday, I went on a second date with a guy who fit this description. He was sweet and I mildly enjoyed our first date, so I thought, What the hell? Maybe he was just nervous on the first date and would come out of his shell for date #2.

...I thought wrong.

As we're standing at the host stand, waiting to be pointed in the direction of a sparkling wine tasting event he turns to me and says, "So...what's your favorite color?"

My initial thought was - I haven't been asked this question since second grade when it was cool to bond over cerulean and red-violet crayons. Then, the mental image of Will Ferrell answering the phone with, "Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?" popped into my head and I literally had to bite my tongue and turn my head to keep from laughing in this poor guy's face. Thank God the host came up right then so I didn't actually have to answer that question.

As sweet as this guy was, I just don't think I can stomach any more questions that should only asked by seven-year-olds and elves.

Justa, justa, justa, justa, justa...justa little bit

That Aretha Frankin really knows how to put the female power in a ballad.

I know all my posts are about being single and figuring out my shiz, but this is basically what my life consists of now.

I mentioned previously that I dated an older guy for about a month before he went bat-shit crazy. Well, what I left out was that the first time we went out for drinks the bar was doing a raffle and I won a free trip to Vegas. Woohoo!

However....I ended up leaving the folder detailing my winnings in his car. Homeboy still has said folder. FML.

I still talk to this guy occasionally on Facebook, and made plans to have dinner and drinks with him two weeks ago. I completely forgot that I had plans to attend the High Heel Race (one of my favorite D.C. events) with Just Jack that were set in stone a good two months ahead of time.

So, I cancelled dinner plans, but asked if we could reschedule via text. No response.

A few days later, I sent a Facebook message apologizing and asking again if we could reschedule or if not, that we needed to swap some items still in the other person's posession. (I still have one of his hats.) Still no response.

Today, I saw him on Facebook and sent him a message. We started talking. He said we should still meet for dinner/drinks and exchange each other's posessions.

Good, great, grand, wonderful! Call me selfish, but I just want to go on that free trip to Vegas.

Well...then, this guy started in on the sexual innuendo. Here are some shining examples:

"You know, I haven't had sex since the last time I was with you. I'm all cranky. Can you help?"

and

"Maybe we can just be dinner, drinks and sex buddies once in a while."

Ew, ew and ew. I know I previously had sex with this guy, but that was two months ago and doesn't mean I want to now. It made me feel demeaned, disgusted and worthless.

I tried to be diplomatic about this all (just until that folder was back in my possession), so I said - dinner and drink buddies sound good to me.

Normally diplomacy is a good thing...unless you're dealing with a certifiably crazy person.

First, he got all huffy and short because I wasn't saying what he wanted to hear. Then, when I tried to tell him what he was saying made me uncomfortable, he blamed me and said that I started it all by referring to him as a DILF when we were still hanging out TWO MONTHS AGO. Finally, after trying to understand why he was "confused" and explaning my stance on the situation, he responded with: "Fair enough - this is really going nowhere. Starting to bore me." And signed off.

So after making inappropriate comments and making me feel like a whore, you're going to lose your temper, try to manipulate me into thinking this is somehow my fault and then do the Facebook equivalent of a hang-up?

Real classy/mature/stand-up of you. It's a wonder you're still single at your age.

But here's my question - should I have expected him to talk to me the way he did? Just because I had sex with him when we were hanging out, does that give him the right to make repeated sexual references now and treat me with a complete lack of respect?

I want to say no, but I still can't help feeling that I somehow brought this on myself, and made it okay for him to demoralize me...

Booty Texting Etiquette

I may have mentioned this once or twice, but I had a boyfriend the first two years I was in college, so when I became single right before my junior year, it was basically like sacrificing a lamb to a pack of wolves.

I didn't understand the concept of booty texts - I just figured whenever I heard from a guy, be it 10 p.m. or 2 a.m., it was a good sign. Ha! What a silly 20-year-old I was.

Now that I'm 26 and in the same predicament, I feel like I'm more immune to all the shenanigans guys try to pull.

Case in point:

Guy trying to hit on me at a bar: Are you a model?
Me: You're full of shit.

I've become cynical in a lot of ways. I think any guy that hits on me is just trying to get in my pants - and I'm sure 98% of them are. But those 2% that aren't probably think I'm a bitter bitch.

Even though I've come along way from my doe-eyed college years, I've still got a lot to learn. Guys are sneaky, sneaky bastards.

You see, I started hanging out with this guy from high school recently. He stayed over a few times, and NOTHING ever happened. I was baffled that he never tried to put a move on me. Well, that all changed when he was my date to a friend's wedding. We hooked up and after the wedding, I didn't hear from him much. (He used to text me all the time to see how my day was going, etc.) I just assumed he got what he wanted and I would never hear from him again.

WRONG!

Over the weekend, I got a text from him at 2:20 a.m. that said "Hey are u out?"

[Side note: another guy was in my bed, and he heard my phone go off so he grabbed it for me. I looked it at, said "Oh-booty text" and threw it back on the floor. God knows what was going through that guy's mind. He probably did a little fist pump thinking that he could start booty texting me, too.]

Anyway, when I was going over this scenario with one of my guy friends, he asked if it was a personalized or generic booty text. I had never even thought to analyze one of those to that degree, but he made a valid point. When I told him what it said, he confirmed that was most definitely a send-to-all-potential-hookups-text.

I felt so stupid for not even thinking that five other girls had probably received the exact same text at the exact same time.

What's even stranger is that this guy texted me as if nothing had happened two days later at 7 p.m., asking me what I was up to.

I hate to say it, because I had started to become pretty good friends with this guy, but why bother texting me anymore at all? Wouldn't it be easier to just have a cut and dry split?

Essentially, I think a guy should act one of two ways if he doesn't want anything other than ass from a girl after a one-night stand:

1) Don't contact her - no texts, facebook chats or smoke signals. That way, the girl isn't left second guessing a guy's true intentions.

2) TELL HER all you want is a booty call. In my 26 years, not once has a guy done this. I finally laid it out for a guy when he tried to make excuses for not wanting a relationship. Truth be told, I didn't want one with him, either - I knew all we had in common was under the sheets. Now, we both equally send 2 a.m. texts and it works out fine because neither of us expect it to go further than that.

I think most guys would agree that those two options are easier in the long run than dragging things out unnecessarily or having to break things off with a girl when the relationship gets more serious than they can handle. But, most guys are cowards or assholes, so I don't think things will be changing anytime soon.